I (Kendra) try not to bore anyone reading this too much with my ramblings, but rather stick to the pictures of Joshua and the fun stuff in life :-) While a picture may indeed be worth a thousand words, pictures don't convey the whole of what's going on. Some parts of life, simply cannot be photographed.
Jonathan is coming home tomorrow after a 10 day, 9 night time away at a wonderful gathering in Cape Town, South Africa. Heartfelt thanks to so many dear friends and family who have been praying for this time, and our family especially, while being apart. It has been a rich week indeed, with many things being discovered anew - or for the first time altogether!
Lesson 1:
Stop waiting for this "season" to pass, and allow His strength to fill my weakness.
Since we became a family of three, I have been amazed that it is BOTH more wonderful AND more difficult than I could've ever imagined! I was pretty proud going into parenthood with so many years of babysitting experience, almost six years of a marriage "honeymoon," and so excited about how God worked to grow our family!
However, popping up in the middle of the many joys and exciting things about being a parent I have also had several times of being completely overwhelmed with the incredible responsibility of caring for a helpless human being's life. It started Joshua's first night home, which I spent mostly awake, walking back-and-forth from his bedroom to ours to make sure he was breathing - in spite of the fact that we had a baby monitor on in our bedroom too. Thankfully, Joshua is a great sleeper and delightful child, Jonathan is an amazing Daddy - and ever an amazing husband! However, I still often find myself very weary...thinking of the future wondering, "How in the world can we ever have a second child, when I'm maxed with just one?! What's wrong with me? How can so many that I know handle motherhood seemingly 'effortlessly,' often with more children? When will this 'learning curve' end...when Joshua goes to college?! I won't make it that long!"
Since the spring, things have "normalized" considerably, but they're still not where I want them. Maybe I want life to be how it was before with all the time to spend with Jonathan, meet with ladies and cook/bake a lot of fun meals PLUS have Joshua well fed, getting to the park and/or a nice walk everyday, etc. Well, so far, it hasn't fallen into place like that - not by a long shot. I feel like such the spoiled woman - with my precious family, the privilege to do homemaking full time, a clothes dryer (to my knowledge this is something NONE of my Japanese friends have), God's gracious provision, health, and on and on I could go...Surly I am amply supplied, so what's my problem?! Every area feels like it "falls short," so I keep trying harder and getting more tired. And I won't even get into my horror at the "unmotherly" thoughts that have gone through my head!
One thing I am being confronted with is the need to let go of perfectionism in my daily life - my joy depends on this and our family's health will be so much better for it. Easy to recognize, but hard to let go each time I see something in the course of the day. I am learning to deal with it, but I can almost go crazy trying to make a meal while Joshua systematically takes out EVERYTHING in "his" two kitchen drawers, I stop him from getting into "Mommy's" drawers, he flings his ABC magnets off the fridge, moves the garbage can around the floor and tries to grab whatever he can out of the fridge or freezer EACH time I open the door. Yes, it is funny too, and for that I'm thankful. God blesses me with laughter many times in the day :-) I'm soooo thankful that in my first stint in Japan, I learned the invaluable skill of laughing at myself - it's the best stress relief and perspective giver!
This past week, a dear friend came over to spend time with Joshua and me. We were talking about the crazy notion of God delighting in us in the midst of our frailty and weakness. It struck me how I am getting so impatient and discouraged with myself for not having this all together. I keep waiting for the "magic" to work and I find I'm Wonder Woman or something. I stopped to consider if God is intentional about NOT just snapping His fingers to zap me into shape....Maybe I'm supposed to rest, even in my weakness, and cry out shamelessly to Him for help - as many times a day as possible...Pray without ceasing, even! So, it's still a very strange concept, but maybe it's OK that I don't have much of anything "all together." Maybe it's a wonderful opportunity to quit being impatient with myself and rejoice in my weakness (aplenty), as it's the perfect opportunity for our Great God to receive the glory due Him!
My friend left me with the following verse:
Zephaniah 3:17
The LORD your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.
Lesson 2:
Joshua and I BOTH need to grow in patience...quick-fixes won't help EITHER of us!
As a baby, Joshua would cry when he needed something or sometimes when I changed his diapers, as he hated (still does) being forced to lay down on his back. Now that he's older, he's learning the art of whining or crying to get his way or my attention. He cries like I broke his heart when I reclaim a bag of frozen vegetables that he snagged when the freezer door was open. He also is constantly exploring and testing each day to see how far he can reach/climb. This is all wonderful, as he's growing so fast and it's a delight to see how healthy and strong he is. However, with each discovery, he constantly finds new things he wants - and he wants everything NOW!
I find myself often continuing in my "immediate response" mode from when he was a baby. He whines or motions for something, so I give it to him. I realized this week especially that I'm not "helping" him by immediately giving him whatever he wants all the time. It's good to be flexible, willing to interrupt my task to serve him, but I need to help him learn some patience too sometimes and let him wait for a minute while I get to a "good stopping point" to address his needs/demands. It's tough though, as the whining, especially now that he's discovering louder decibels....seems to BEG to be quieted ;-)
That's where I need to learn patience, and force myself to stop and consider if giving him what he wants is the best thing and/or if "now" is the best timing. I can also better execute the "how," i.e. not giving him snacks freely, but having him sit down at the table, etc. Again, looks good online, but challenging to execute when the "siren is wailing." Again, I must laugh at God's good plans! Indeed, parents must learn sooooo much more in this process of parenting than we ever teach our children :-)
Lesson 3:
What's in OUR lunchbox?
This week in Cape Town, Jonathan told me about a challenging talk he heard on the Feeding of the Five Thousand from John 6: 1 - 13. Interestingly, I had an Arch Book on cassette as a kid and I can still hear the reader say the title, "The Boy Who Gave His Lunch Away."
From what Jonathan conveyed to me, I have been imagining the story had Jonathan and I been among the disciples. We are realizing that we have been looking to the future much as they approached this situation.
If we had been there....
Jonathan would have said, "Eight months' wages wouldn't feed this crowd! Maybe we have four months or even six, but..."
I'd jump in, "Even if we could gather the funds, these are just small villages around here, where can we buy all the food - I don't think there are enough bakeries or fish mongers!"
While it's wise to "count the cost" and not rush into things ahead of God, we are sensing that there is something to glean from the little boy in the story. How did he come to bring his lunch to Jesus? I can imagine him eagerly approaching Andrew, "Hey, you said something about needing food. Well, my mom made me this lunch today. I'm happy to give it to Jesus!" I think he was oblivious to any silliness that the disciples must have thought when they said, "But what's that for so many?"
Are we willing to lay aside our calculations and considerations of what the future will bring? Lay aside the many areas so beyond our scope or capabilities? I'm realizing that my passion to be here in Japan and all my studies/experiences to date are not enough to keep me here for the "long haul." Resting in our own laurels, strength, capabilities, whatever simply will not cut it!
However, if we're willing to take an honest look at what we DO have to offer....if we're willing to eagerly offer it to the Lord, without embarrassment that it's not any more than a boy's lunch, offer it unreservedly, knowing that He's good, no matter what He chooses to do with our offering....what might the Lord want to do for His glory and His kingdom?!?!
Thank you so much for sharing in the Good News with us! We're sooooo blessed with this modern technology, that we don't have to "go it alone" from the human standpoint, and eternally blessed that our Lord, of course, will never leave nor forsake us!
Isaiah 64:4
Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him.
I Corinthians 2:9
However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him."
Joshua continues to relish any chance he has to succeed in feeding himself - and he's indeed getting better. After reaching a 50 - 75% success rate at getting food into his mouth holding his own spoon, he's now trying to master the fork.
Pizza seems to be a favorite lately, udon noodles are still holding a strong place and rice is moving up in popularity
It's hard to get a scale here, but Jonathan and Joshua are at least one story off the ground on the playground mound. Joshua has no fear and without "adult words" he's clearly trying to convince Daddy, "I know I can climb this. Just let me show you!"
Well, Daddy insisted on holding Joshua's hand, but obliged him and together they climbed down to Mommy.
After all the excitement, Mommy was thankful there was a nice, FLAT, grassy area to run around with the ball before heading home.
Not pictured: The thought bubble above my (Kendra's) head..."If this is Joshua at 18 months...what AM I in for?!?! Definitely, a deeper prayer life!"
It's hard to get a scale here, but Jonathan and Joshua are at least one story off the ground on the playground mound. Joshua has no fear and without "adult words" he's clearly trying to convince Daddy, "I know I can climb this. Just let me show you!"
Well, Daddy insisted on holding Joshua's hand, but obliged him and together they climbed down to Mommy.
After all the excitement, Mommy was thankful there was a nice, FLAT, grassy area to run around with the ball before heading home.
Not pictured: The thought bubble above my (Kendra's) head..."If this is Joshua at 18 months...what AM I in for?!?! Definitely, a deeper prayer life!"
